I couldn't place my finger on what exactly it was that I was feeling for a few weeks now. At first I thought that I was just going to miss my brothers and sisters too much, but I knew that wasn't it....it was something else, something more.
GUILT
I will be the first to admit that I was incredibly horrible to my mother, especially as a teen. We fought constantly...verbally, yes, but mostly physically. There are those who only casually know my mom and think she's so cute and sweet...then there are those who have spent a little time in our home and think she's and angry witch....then there are those who really know my mom.
My mom has been through so much in her past. I've only heard bits and pieces from my dad and from others who knew my mom before she was married, but even from the very little information that I possess,I know that she's been through more hurt and pain than I could ever imagine. It took me being a wife and a mother to truly understand what my mom was so desperately trying to teach me my whole life. It took me being a wife and a mother to truly be grateful for all that she did for me and my siblings. At times I feel drained of ALL my energy with my two young girls...and my heart aches for my mother who did it all with 3 young girls keeping us and the house spotless and reading us books (no matter how fobbed out she was), finding a job at our school so she could earn her own money while keeping an eye on us...and all without any help from my dad or anyone else. Her mom wasn't around to help her the way she helped me with my new born when I desperately needed it.
I looked at the way that I treated my mom and I saw how my sisters started following in my example. After I got married and returned back home, I saw my sisters talking back to my mom, making fun of her with their friends, treating her just as bad as I had. I would try to talk to my sisters to help them understand that although our mom is difficult at times, we need to understand where she is coming from and what she's trying to teach us. My younger sister, Brittny, has trouble at times coping with my mom and it hurts me. I feel like Tookie Williams (or whatever his name was...the guy who started the crips), and I felt like I was the one who started all this negativity by leading a bad example and now I'm constantly trying to right my wrongs.
My mom always took great care of me and my sisters and brothers, but she was a is still bitter about all that happened in her past, which makes her extremely difficult to deal with at times. I never had the mom that I could sit down with and share my problems as she fed me with her priceless words of wisdom, I never had the mom that told me how beautiful I was, or who comforted me when I didn't win a game, or a mom who was excited when I got married, or excited when I was pregnant. There were times in my life where I needed that comfort so much, and there wasn't anyone else in the world who could give it.
This is where I feel guilty because although I am no replacement for my mom, I want to be here for my brothers and sisters to willingly offer them some...i guess...maternal comfort and advice when they need it. They should know that I'm here to listen and help them along with life's obstacles and I won't ever judge their decisions but rather support them.
I know now that, just moving to Australia and away from America doesn't mean that all of this comes to an end.
America doesn't equal Family. Family equals Family.
and I will always be there for my family, not physically though. :)
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