School Thy Feelings, O My Brother

"School Thy Feelings, O My Brother,

Train thy warm, impulsive soul.

Do not it's emotions smoother,

But let wisdom's voice control.

School thy feelings; there is Power,

In the cool, collected mind.

Passion shatters reason's tower,

Makes the clearest vision blind."

My new fave hymn that I've never sang (at least I don't remember).  I always feel that I am possibly so far gone, that I am too enveloped in this "world" to still be able to hear the gentle call of that still, small voice.  At times I feel like my heart is full with contention and anger and when I wake the next day...all is good and I feel like singing.  3 out of 5 doctors would call me Bi-Polar...the other two would write me off as a girl.  Today was not a good day.  Well, the first half at least...the jury's still out on the rest. It's only 6pm...night's still young right? oh wait, I'll prolly be asleep in 3 hours...eh.  I've been harbouring negative thoughts and holding on to old feelings of hurt and confusion.  Bad combo...my thoughts were spiralling out of control with anger infused creativity you all know the feeling and luckily for me...it was Sunday.

I try my best to make it to church every Sunday, and if I miss, I make sure it's for a valid and legitimate reason. Forgetting to straighten my hair Saturday night...not so legit.  Upon arriving back home, I felt the need to open the computer and for the first time in maybe 2 months...I didn't head directly to Facebook or Instagram, but to lds.org.  I came across a talk from President Monson and It set me straight. It gave me exactly what I needed.  Although his talk, 'School Thy Feelings, O My Brother', was originally intended for the priesthood holders of our church...It was exactly what I needed.  He quoted the above captioned song and I immediately felt the spirit.  I realized, It's not the spirit who chooses to be with us, it is us...who choose to find the spirit and feel its guidance.

Phenomenal Women Out There?

Having two beautiful daughters, my hope is convince them of their beauty and have it not be defined by society. I've struggled with self-esteem and I'm on a new path to keep my thoughts healthy as well as my body.

...If I run, I run not to make the numbers on the scale go down

...If I run, I run for energy to play with my kids and grand kids and even my great-grand kids

...If I run, I run to keep my body healthy so I don't fall into that breast cancer that has so sneakily burned through so many of the strong females in my family's history

...I eat healthy, yes, but don't get it twisted -- I'll top my salad with a heap o sweet pork and take some fries with that shake just so I don't lose my sanity.

Just as we've been learning this past general conference:

Just because we live IN the world,

doesn't mean we should live OF the world.

One of my fave poems from one of my fave poets reminds me that it don't matter if your thin, it don't matter if your tan, or if you got big boobs....that don't make you a woman any more than the others...It's how you carry yourself...with confidence...confidence knowing your a woman, and a phenomenal one at that.

PHENOMENAL WOMAN

by Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.

I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size

But when I start to tell them,

They think I'm telling lies.

I say,

It's in the reach of my arms

The span of my hips,

The stride of my step,

The curl of my lips.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing of my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them,
They say they still can't see.
I say
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
The palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

keep It real yall...

signed,

a Phenomenal Woman

Thoughts Lately...

I've always heard how your life flashes before your eyes just before your life ends and...that's the only way that I can explain how I've been feeling the past month. Not meaning, of course, that my life is LITERALLY ending, but my life here in America will be ending. America to me was "My Family" and it took me a while to realize that just because this chapter of my life means letting go of "America"...it doesn't mean that I'm letting go of my family.

I couldn't place my finger on what exactly it was that I was feeling for a few weeks now. At first I thought that I was just going to miss my brothers and sisters too much, but I knew that wasn't it....it was something else, something more.

GUILT

I will be the first to admit that I was incredibly horrible to my mother, especially as a teen. We fought constantly...verbally, yes, but mostly physically. There are those who only casually know my mom and think she's so cute and sweet...then there are those who have spent a little time in our home and think she's and angry witch....then there are those who really know my mom.

My mom has been through so much in her past. I've only heard bits and pieces from my dad and from others who knew my mom before she was married, but even from the very little information that I possess,I know that she's been through more hurt and pain than I could ever imagine. It took me being a wife and a mother to truly understand what my mom was so desperately trying to teach me my whole life. It took me being a wife and a mother to truly be grateful for all that she did for me and my siblings. At times I feel drained of ALL my energy with my two young girls...and my heart aches for my mother who did it all with 3 young girls keeping us and the house spotless and reading us books (no matter how fobbed out she was), finding a job at our school so she could earn her own money while keeping an eye on us...and all without any help from my dad or anyone else. Her mom wasn't around to help her the way she helped me with my new born when I desperately needed it.

I looked at the way that I treated my mom and I saw how my sisters started following in my example. After I got married and returned back home, I saw my sisters talking back to my mom, making fun of her with their friends, treating her just as bad as I had. I would try to talk to my sisters to help them understand that although our mom is difficult at times, we need to understand where she is coming from and what she's trying to teach us. My younger sister, Brittny, has trouble at times coping with my mom and it hurts me. I feel like Tookie Williams (or whatever his name was...the guy who started the crips), and I felt like I was the one who started all this negativity by leading a bad example and now I'm constantly trying to right my wrongs.

My mom always took great care of me and my sisters and brothers, but she was a is still bitter about all that happened in her past, which makes her extremely difficult to deal with at times. I never had the mom that I could sit down with and share my problems as she fed me with her priceless words of wisdom, I never had the mom that told me how beautiful I was, or who comforted me when I didn't win a game, or a mom who was excited when I got married, or excited when I was pregnant. There were times in my life where I needed that comfort so much, and there wasn't anyone else in the world who could give it.

This is where I feel guilty because although I am no replacement for my mom, I want to be here for my brothers and sisters to willingly offer them some...i guess...maternal comfort and advice when they need it. They should know that I'm here to listen and help them along with life's obstacles and I won't ever judge their decisions but rather support them.

I know now that, just moving to Australia and away from America doesn't mean that all of this comes to an end.

America doesn't equal Family. Family equals Family.

and I will always be there for my family, not physically though. :)

I Guess I'm Really Buff...

Got my very first massage today!!!..."mum" (meaning David's mom, my mom is "mom"), booked an appointment for me and sissy Catherine to get a massage with this little Thai lady that she's been raving about. needless to say, I was excited...cuz damn, I hecka needed this! [Amen]

I started belly up.

she began with my legs.

Her: Oh my! you have some big quad muscles! hehe

Me: Oh [nervous laughing] yeah. In pretty sure they're bigger than my husband's.

Her: ooooh........yeah. nodding in agreement

Me: [should I have said "thank you"?....heck no...that aint no compliment sheeeewwt. Just gonna close mah eyes and try to enjoy this]

fast forward a half hour

Her: I'll lift the sheet so you can turn over and lie on your stomach

Me: okay! [aaahhh now my back! yay]

Her: I'll start with your legs and work up to your back then your neck and shoulders

Me: sounds great!

Her: eeeerrrgh.....eeeeehhh......uuuuggghhh

at this point I look back as she wipes the sweat from her brow and tries to use every muscle in her body to massage my buff legs.

Me: [c'mon girl...put some back into it]

Her: uh i'm just gonna...

Me: [oh heck no...is she standing on me? dang, my legs must be too big for her.... she gotta get up on the table and walk on my legs]

then she get's down....slightly outta breath

onto my back

Her: ooooh, I can tell you lift weights

Me: [uh no trick, the last time was fricken 4 years ago] hehe....yeah....sometimes.

Her: I can tell, you have a lot of muscle mass back here!

Me: must be from my kids, they're heavier than the average kid.

I came outta there feeling like some huge body building she-man, albeit a relaxed she-man.

You know that sound when you're outta lotion and when your trying to pump out the last bit of it?

I'm pretty sure I heard that noise like 3 times during the massage. I must have depleted her stock of massage lotion.lol....

but hey, that lotion did smell bomb though.

M*A*S*H

Me and David love naps! (I just retyped "naps" no less than 4 times, I kept typing "napes"...what the hell?) but we hate the sleepless night that follows. We played MASH one night, cuz we'd already seen every movie too many times to admit aaaaaand, we don't have cable (it really isn't THAT bad...i think). You guys remember that game?

we played...

he ended up in a shack :P

I ended up in a mansion :)

but we both ended up with each other. (fate haha)

I was mad cuz I put names of real guys on mine, and he used all these ghetto names like "laqueesha" and "shaquila"...I was secretly thinking that he likes hood rats. hmmmmm...

good thing we movin to aussie...cuz they don't have hood rats or project chicks, they got aborigines. lol

nbfr

SIGNS

So the other day, David and I watched "He's Just Not That Into You"...any'o'you seen it? The one where the girl is lookin for "the one" and the bartender is the only one who tells her the real truth about what guys really think about her by deciphering their man code or whatever. It was kinda hard to watch this movie with my husband cuz he kept pointing to the screen and eagerly agreeing with the bartender.

After the movie we had a pretty deep/intense convo about how David loves to observe everyone.

1) Girls start talking and laughing really loud when boys are around

2) If a girl is desperate for attention and they aren't getting it, they'll get quiet like something is bothering them, then they'll walk in front of everyone (when there's plenty of room to walk around) and go to a corner alone and sit quietly and sulk and wait for a guy to ask them if something is wrong.

3) Some girls try to pull the "tom-boy" card to seem different than other girls

4) When in a large group of people, he'll watch everyone's eyes. when a guy or girl zones in on someone, they position themselves in the group to make sure they're in that persons view.

5) when sitting in a circle a guy will unintentionally sit facing the girl he likes, and he'll lean back so as to not make it obvious, but then stick they're leg back out in the direction.

6) He knows that if you really want to get a girl's attention...totally ignore them and walk outta the room as soon as they walk in.

Our talk went alot more into detail...but it's times like these that I sit back and think of how this quiet boy from highschool had sooooo much going through his head. But hey, still waters run deep...and David is by FAR the deepest and wisest person I have ever met. No lie, he can smell BS from a mile away and even simple conversations from people, he'll analyze each word and action and can sum up your life (that was an exageration, but you know...something like that). He doesn't do it on purpose, it's a habit formed after years and years of meeting fake people. It's like a defense mechanism to weed out the...uh...weeds. I totally DON'T have that...I give everyone the benefit of the doubt and have the mentality that people are "innocent until proven guilty" so I'm grateful that my husband can protect me from potentially hurtful people and warn me to put my guard up.

Oh my...

saw this on msn...reminded me of dad :)

GO UTES

i guess i can forgive you for that USC game...

maybe not...

GOOOOO TONGA!

thank you for FINALLY winning a game!