Thoughts Lately...

I've always heard how your life flashes before your eyes just before your life ends and...that's the only way that I can explain how I've been feeling the past month. Not meaning, of course, that my life is LITERALLY ending, but my life here in America will be ending. America to me was "My Family" and it took me a while to realize that just because this chapter of my life means letting go of "America"...it doesn't mean that I'm letting go of my family.

I couldn't place my finger on what exactly it was that I was feeling for a few weeks now. At first I thought that I was just going to miss my brothers and sisters too much, but I knew that wasn't it....it was something else, something more.

GUILT

I will be the first to admit that I was incredibly horrible to my mother, especially as a teen. We fought constantly...verbally, yes, but mostly physically. There are those who only casually know my mom and think she's so cute and sweet...then there are those who have spent a little time in our home and think she's and angry witch....then there are those who really know my mom.

My mom has been through so much in her past. I've only heard bits and pieces from my dad and from others who knew my mom before she was married, but even from the very little information that I possess,I know that she's been through more hurt and pain than I could ever imagine. It took me being a wife and a mother to truly understand what my mom was so desperately trying to teach me my whole life. It took me being a wife and a mother to truly be grateful for all that she did for me and my siblings. At times I feel drained of ALL my energy with my two young girls...and my heart aches for my mother who did it all with 3 young girls keeping us and the house spotless and reading us books (no matter how fobbed out she was), finding a job at our school so she could earn her own money while keeping an eye on us...and all without any help from my dad or anyone else. Her mom wasn't around to help her the way she helped me with my new born when I desperately needed it.

I looked at the way that I treated my mom and I saw how my sisters started following in my example. After I got married and returned back home, I saw my sisters talking back to my mom, making fun of her with their friends, treating her just as bad as I had. I would try to talk to my sisters to help them understand that although our mom is difficult at times, we need to understand where she is coming from and what she's trying to teach us. My younger sister, Brittny, has trouble at times coping with my mom and it hurts me. I feel like Tookie Williams (or whatever his name was...the guy who started the crips), and I felt like I was the one who started all this negativity by leading a bad example and now I'm constantly trying to right my wrongs.

My mom always took great care of me and my sisters and brothers, but she was a is still bitter about all that happened in her past, which makes her extremely difficult to deal with at times. I never had the mom that I could sit down with and share my problems as she fed me with her priceless words of wisdom, I never had the mom that told me how beautiful I was, or who comforted me when I didn't win a game, or a mom who was excited when I got married, or excited when I was pregnant. There were times in my life where I needed that comfort so much, and there wasn't anyone else in the world who could give it.

This is where I feel guilty because although I am no replacement for my mom, I want to be here for my brothers and sisters to willingly offer them some...i guess...maternal comfort and advice when they need it. They should know that I'm here to listen and help them along with life's obstacles and I won't ever judge their decisions but rather support them.

I know now that, just moving to Australia and away from America doesn't mean that all of this comes to an end.

America doesn't equal Family. Family equals Family.

and I will always be there for my family, not physically though. :)

I Guess I'm Really Buff...

Got my very first massage today!!!..."mum" (meaning David's mom, my mom is "mom"), booked an appointment for me and sissy Catherine to get a massage with this little Thai lady that she's been raving about. needless to say, I was excited...cuz damn, I hecka needed this! [Amen]

I started belly up.

she began with my legs.

Her: Oh my! you have some big quad muscles! hehe

Me: Oh [nervous laughing] yeah. In pretty sure they're bigger than my husband's.

Her: ooooh........yeah. nodding in agreement

Me: [should I have said "thank you"?....heck no...that aint no compliment sheeeewwt. Just gonna close mah eyes and try to enjoy this]

fast forward a half hour

Her: I'll lift the sheet so you can turn over and lie on your stomach

Me: okay! [aaahhh now my back! yay]

Her: I'll start with your legs and work up to your back then your neck and shoulders

Me: sounds great!

Her: eeeerrrgh.....eeeeehhh......uuuuggghhh

at this point I look back as she wipes the sweat from her brow and tries to use every muscle in her body to massage my buff legs.

Me: [c'mon girl...put some back into it]

Her: uh i'm just gonna...

Me: [oh heck no...is she standing on me? dang, my legs must be too big for her.... she gotta get up on the table and walk on my legs]

then she get's down....slightly outta breath

onto my back

Her: ooooh, I can tell you lift weights

Me: [uh no trick, the last time was fricken 4 years ago] hehe....yeah....sometimes.

Her: I can tell, you have a lot of muscle mass back here!

Me: must be from my kids, they're heavier than the average kid.

I came outta there feeling like some huge body building she-man, albeit a relaxed she-man.

You know that sound when you're outta lotion and when your trying to pump out the last bit of it?

I'm pretty sure I heard that noise like 3 times during the massage. I must have depleted her stock of massage lotion.lol....

but hey, that lotion did smell bomb though.

M*A*S*H

Me and David love naps! (I just retyped "naps" no less than 4 times, I kept typing "napes"...what the hell?) but we hate the sleepless night that follows. We played MASH one night, cuz we'd already seen every movie too many times to admit aaaaaand, we don't have cable (it really isn't THAT bad...i think). You guys remember that game?

we played...

he ended up in a shack :P

I ended up in a mansion :)

but we both ended up with each other. (fate haha)

I was mad cuz I put names of real guys on mine, and he used all these ghetto names like "laqueesha" and "shaquila"...I was secretly thinking that he likes hood rats. hmmmmm...

good thing we movin to aussie...cuz they don't have hood rats or project chicks, they got aborigines. lol

nbfr

SIGNS

So the other day, David and I watched "He's Just Not That Into You"...any'o'you seen it? The one where the girl is lookin for "the one" and the bartender is the only one who tells her the real truth about what guys really think about her by deciphering their man code or whatever. It was kinda hard to watch this movie with my husband cuz he kept pointing to the screen and eagerly agreeing with the bartender.

After the movie we had a pretty deep/intense convo about how David loves to observe everyone.

1) Girls start talking and laughing really loud when boys are around

2) If a girl is desperate for attention and they aren't getting it, they'll get quiet like something is bothering them, then they'll walk in front of everyone (when there's plenty of room to walk around) and go to a corner alone and sit quietly and sulk and wait for a guy to ask them if something is wrong.

3) Some girls try to pull the "tom-boy" card to seem different than other girls

4) When in a large group of people, he'll watch everyone's eyes. when a guy or girl zones in on someone, they position themselves in the group to make sure they're in that persons view.

5) when sitting in a circle a guy will unintentionally sit facing the girl he likes, and he'll lean back so as to not make it obvious, but then stick they're leg back out in the direction.

6) He knows that if you really want to get a girl's attention...totally ignore them and walk outta the room as soon as they walk in.

Our talk went alot more into detail...but it's times like these that I sit back and think of how this quiet boy from highschool had sooooo much going through his head. But hey, still waters run deep...and David is by FAR the deepest and wisest person I have ever met. No lie, he can smell BS from a mile away and even simple conversations from people, he'll analyze each word and action and can sum up your life (that was an exageration, but you know...something like that). He doesn't do it on purpose, it's a habit formed after years and years of meeting fake people. It's like a defense mechanism to weed out the...uh...weeds. I totally DON'T have that...I give everyone the benefit of the doubt and have the mentality that people are "innocent until proven guilty" so I'm grateful that my husband can protect me from potentially hurtful people and warn me to put my guard up.

Oh my...

saw this on msn...reminded me of dad :)

GO UTES

i guess i can forgive you for that USC game...

maybe not...

GOOOOO TONGA!

thank you for FINALLY winning a game!

One step closer....

to Australia! I'm slowly working my way up to being excited. Everyone loves Australia...so why was I not excited from the get go? well, aside from the fact that I'll be away from my family...I'm a Utah girl at heart. My dream home is in the mountains, not on the beach. I prefer the lake over the ocean...I would rather live in the cold and crisp air of the Wasatch front than the hot and humid sun down under...I prefer the slow "stop and smell the roses" kinda life rather than the fast "gotta keep movin" ways of Sydney....i prefer stayin at home, watchin dvds and playing board games rather than goin out and clubin hard core...but I'm working on opening my mind because change is good.

I always hoped to put my daughters in volleyball or basketball or soccer, but what do they have in Australia....netball. uh?...I've never seen a game of netball and they don't play netball in the Olympics...and those two qualities alone have pretty much damned that sport from my mind. But hey... they can be surfers! I just hope they didn't inherit my crippling fear of sharks.

We got our passports today...me and baby sia have big smiles on our pics (I found out later that you aren't supposed to smile...so that guy at Walgreens, the one who took our photos...and the one who told us to smile, needs to get fired) but its okay because David and Maile are serious enough to balance it out...I think that's why the passport people decided to accept our pictures. The arrival of the passports marks yet another step towards our big move down under. It's all surreal...I don't think it'll hit me till a kangaroo kicks me in my gut, a shark bites off my arm, my kids are wearing cutie uniforms and my husband is straightening his hair and wearing some hella tight shorts and a tank...not so cutie.

Now....off to buy those overpriced airline tickets...(damn delta...how come you keep rejecting my app?...huh?!)

adios

sooooo....i'm still alive.

So I haven't blogged about anything for nearly half of this year (i suck), and I really have no excuses because these past few months have been so incredibly eventful. Consider this a really long "Catchin' Up Blog"...so be forewarned....it'll be a like all of those shoulda been blogs rolled into one :)...

MRS. BRITTNY ROLF

As most of you already know, my younger sister Maile (Brittny) got married in June and her wedding was beautiful. Although the weeks leading up to it were filled with stress...and anger...and frustration...and cuss words...and crying...and fighting (all were mostly my mom...especially the cussing)...the actual wedding was great and fun...at least while I was there. I'm so happy for her and her wonderful new husband and I wish them the best!...I was also happy that there was a new addition to our family, because for a while it was just David.

MY LONG LOST SISSY POU!

The weekend before Maile's wedding, me and baby sis, Nikki, met up with our sister Tupou for the first time. We scooped her up from her cousin's wedding, the wait was sooooo nerve racking. Spotting her was a no brainer....she looks just like our mom. She was so petite and dressed all cute, which made me take a quick look at my outfit to make sure I looked decent........i didn't.

Oh my hell Pumpkin, why the heck......are you wearing your little brother's "Famous" shirt?!

(emphasis on LITTLE) After we'd picked her up, I couldn't believe she was right....here! In the passenger seat of our super junkie car. I don't know what it was, but I had a feeling that Nikki was also in a feeling of shock....maybe it was the fact that she almost got in like....5 car accidents and almost ran a red light or 3, and got us super lost on the way to ice cream (which by the way...was just a few blocks down the street from where we had picked our sister up). Our convo was cool, calm, collected, comfortable (and any other "c" words you can think up). I felt like I've known her forever...like...she was my older sister who lived outta town and she came to visit for the weekend. Not many others know that we also have another older sister. Another half-sis from our dad's first marriage. My dad told us about her when I was about 13 yrs old. My mind, at the time, was not near as mature as it is now. I was then filled with mixed emotions, not knowing whether to be excited, or mad, or sad or disappointed (no worries, I absolutely love her now). This time around, with Pou, it was pure excitement. After our ice cream, my understanding was to take Pou to where she was staying, because she had told us that she wasn't yet comfortable with meeting with our mom just yet. I could understand that and didn't want to force anything on her. Nikki on the other hand had ulterior motives. She pretty much forced Pou to go to our house after...like "forced" as in...despite knowing that she wasn't ready to meet our mom...she got behind the wheel and directed the car to our house anyway....so....uh... more so held her captive...i dunno. In the end...i was glad nikki did that because the meeting with my mom and her was very special...we laughed, we cried, we bid adieu and that's the end....for now.

BABY SISSY GETTING MARRIED

I know that you can't possibly think that having both of my little sisters getting married in the SAME YEAR about ONE MONTH apart is weird....weird and comical...at least for me. hehe. Well, I can totally understand her reasoning for not wanting to wait. And I would've done the same thing. I've already been considering Robert my brother for a long time a comin already, it's about time they put it on paper. Rob's dated Nikki longer than I dated David (for longer than I've even known David for that matter)...for longer than Maile dated Peter....put together. I'm so happy that they are finally going to get married, and rushed or not, there wedding is going to be a blessed event. Anotha Brotha added to the family and I'm super happy!...now all that's left is for AJ to get married and ad yet another brother.....Jordan?...he'll never leave my mom.....nuff sed.

GOING DOWN UNDUH...FOR GOOD

This is the one thing that has been contributing to my stress level the most lately. My husband and I have made the decision that we are going to move our little family to Australia. He's got a great job awaiting him, medical is free, the government gives you money for everything, it's beautiful....what's to stress? When I would think about how far Australia is from my family, it would reduce me to tears. I love my family so much and it was already hard for me to live all the way up here in Syracuse, an hour away from them...now I was going to move to the other side of the globe. It took a while, but now that I see that my sisters are married....Maile in Ogden going to school with her husband and Nikki, soon to get married and move to Arkansas with her husband....I realize that we are all adults, we're all older with our own lives and if moving to Australia will be better for my family....why not? We still intend to return to the states at least twice a year which will also ensure that my babies remember who my parents are...their Nana and Papa. It took me a while, but I'm more excited than worried to move. I just needed to convince myself. I was tired of people trying to "sell" Australia to me, telling me how awesome the Government is there and how sucky the one is here, and how jobs pay so much there and jobs are crap here, and blah blah blah blah blah. I love the USA....im extremely patriotic...so if you want to get in my good graces and prove to me how great something is.....don't tell me how bad my country is....cuz no matter how bad the condition of our economy....it's the best country in the world. I hear that there are so many jobs and not enough people and the health care is free...so I'm expecting to get there and not see and bums or sick people. phew...sorry...had to get that out. I will continue blogging in Aussie and tell you how I'm surviving without Walmart....without Netflix and without mountains (oooohhh, my precious mountains). I will also hopefully get to post pictures of our first Christmas in SUMMER! mind blowing!...don't know about surfing though...I'm scared to death of sharks....

later mates...until next time